That moment of doubt.

Regardless of capability or commitment many climbers will suffer a moment of doubt at some point on a major climb. That moment is perhaps best described by the words "what am I doing here?" I heard Paul say this while we descended a steep narrow canyon a few days ago. Richard commented same as we labored up steep snowy grades in the stifling heat of a clear blue day. My own moment came last night. I stepped outside to relieve myself at 2 A.M. It was cold but there was no wind so I reasoned, in the fashion of the half-awake, that I could get by with a minimum of apparel. I would be quick about it and back in my warm down sleeping bag in short order. After all, the only persons awake were the snow cat drivers warming their machines for the three o'clock run to the Pashtukhova rocks. It had not occurred to me this warm up process would include turning on their flood lights. But it did. Suddenly I was awash with light, standing there in only my underwear and hiking boots. I paused just long enough, still facing all those lights, to say "what am I doing here?"